Disgrace Read online

  To the call of the inconvenient five-year-old there comes no answer. Unlovely, unloved, neglected by her famous father, she has been passed from hand to hand and finally given to the nuns to look after. So hot, so hot! she whines from the bed in the convent where she is dying of la mal’aria. Why have you forgotten me?

  Why will her father not answer? Because he has had enough of life; because he would rather be back where he belongs, on death’s other shore, sunk in his old sleep. My poor little baby! sings Byron, waveringly, unwillingly, too softly for her to hear. Seated in the shadows to one side, the trio of instrumentalists play the crablike motif, one line going up, the other down, that is Byron’s.

  TWENTY-ONE

  ROSALIND TELEPHONES. ‘Lucy says you are back in town. Why haven’t you been in touch?’ ‘I’m not yet fit for society,’ he replies. ‘Were you ever?’ comments Rosalind drily.

  They meet in a coffee-shop in Claremont. ‘You’ve lost weight,’ she remarks. ‘What happened to your ear?’ ‘It’s nothing,’ he replies, and will not explain further.

  As they talk her gaze keeps drifting back to the misshapen ear. She would shudder, he is sure, if she had to touch it. Not the ministering type. His best memories are still of their first months together: steamy summer nights in Durban, sheets damp with perspiration, Rosalind’s long, pale body thrashing this way and that in the throes of a pleasure that was hard to tell from pain. Two sensualists: that was what held them together, while it lasted.

  They talk about Lucy, about the farm. ‘I thought she had a friend living with her,’ says Rosalind. ‘Grace.’

  ‘Helen. Helen is back in Johannesburg. I suspect they have broken up for good.’

  ‘Is Lucy safe by herself in that lonely place?’

  ‘No, she isn’t safe, she would be mad to feel safe. But she will stay on nevertheless. It has become a point of honour with her.’

  ‘You said you had your car stolen.’

  ‘It was my own fault. I should have been more careful.’

  ‘I forgot to mention: I heard the story of your trial. The inside story. ‘

  ‘My trial?’

  ‘Your inquiry, your inquest, whatever you call it. I heard you didn’t perform well.’

  ‘Oh? How did you hear? I thought it was confidential.’

  ‘That doesn’t matter. I heard you didn’t make a good impression. You were too stiff and defensive.’

  ‘I wasn’t trying to make an impression. I was standing up for a principle.’

  ‘That may be so, David, but surely you know by now that trials are not about principles, they are about how well you put yourself across. According to my source, you came across badly. What was the principle you were standing up for?’

  ‘Freedom of speech. Freedom to remain silent.’

  ‘That sounds very grand. But you were always a great self-deceiver, David. A great deceiver and a great self-deceiver. Are you sure it wasn’t just a case of being caught with your pants down?’

  He does not rise to the bait.

  ‘Anyway, whatever the principle was, it was too abstruse for your audience. They thought you were just obfuscating. You should have got yourself some coaching beforehand. What are you going to do about money? Did they take away your pension?’

  ‘I’ll get back what I put in. I am going to sell the house. It’s too big for me.’

  ‘What will you do with your time? Will you look for a job?’

  ‘I don’t think so. My hands are full. I’m writing something.’

  ‘A book?’

  ‘An opera, in fact.’

  ‘An opera! Well, that’s a new departure. I hope it makes you lots of money. Will you move in with Lucy?’

  ‘The opera is just a hobby, something to dabble at. It won’t make money. And no, I won’t be moving in with Lucy. It wouldn’t be a good idea.’

  ‘Why not? You and she have always got on well together. Has something happened?’

  Her questions are intrusive, but Rosalind has never had qualms about being intrusive. ‘You shared my bed for ten years,’ she once said – ‘Why should you have secrets from me?’

  ‘Lucy and I still get on well,’ he replies. ‘But not well enough to live together.’

  ‘The story of your life.’

  ‘Yes.’

  There is silence while they contemplate, from their respective angles, the story of his life.

  ‘I saw your girlfriend,’ Rosalind says, changing the subject.

  ‘My girlfriend?’

  ‘Your inamorata. Melanie Isaacs – isn’t that her name? She is in a play at the Dock Theatre. Didn’t you know? I can see why you fell for her. Big, dark eyes. Cunning little weasel body. Just your type. You must have thought it would be another of your quick flings, your peccadilloes. And now look at you. You have thrown away your life, and for what?’

  ‘My life is not thrown away, Rosalind. Be sensible.’

  ‘But it is! You have lost your job, your name is mud, your friends avoid you, you hide out in Torrance Road like a tortoise afraid to stick its neck out of its shell. People who aren’t good enough to tie your shoelaces make jokes about you. Your shirt isn’t ironed, God know who gave you that haircut, you’ve got – ’ She arrests her tirade. ‘You are going to end up as one of those sad old men who poke around in rubbish bins.’

  ‘I’m going to end up in a hole in the ground,’ he says. ‘And so are you. So are we all.’

  ‘That’s enough, David, I’m upset as it is, I don’t want to get into an argument.’ She gathers up her packages. ‘When you are tired of bread and jam, give me a call and I’ll cook you a meal.’

  The mention of Melanie Isaacs unsettles him. He has never been given to lingering involvements. When an affair is over, he puts it behind him. But there is something unfinished in the business with Melanie. Deep inside him the smell of her is stored, the smell of a mate. Does she remember his smell too? Just your type, said Rosalind, who ought to know. What if their paths cross again, his and Melanie’s? Will there be a flash of feeling, a sign that the affair has not run its course?

  Yet the very idea of reapplying to Melanie is crazy. Why should she speak to the man condemned as her persecutor? And what will she think of him anyway – the dunce with the funny ear, the uncut hair, the rumpled collar?

  The marriage of Cronus and Harmony: unnatural. That was what the trial was set up to punish, once all the fine words were stripped away. On trial for his way of life. For unnatural acts: for broadcasting old seed, tired seed, seed that does not quicken, contra naturam. If the old men hog the young women, what will be the future of the species? That, at bottom, was the case for the prosecution. Half of literature is about it: young women struggling to escape from under the weight of old men, for the sake of the species.

  He sighs. The young in one another’s arms, heedless, engrossed in the sensual music. No country, this, for old men. He seems to be spending a lot of time sighing. Regret: a regrettable note on which to go out.

  Until two years ago the Dock Theatre was a cold storage plant where the carcases of pigs and oxen hung waiting to be transported across the seas. Now it is a fashionable entertainment spot. He arrives late, taking his seat just as the lights are dimming. ‘A runaway success brought back by popular demand’: that is how Sunset at the Globe Salon is billed in its new production. The set is more stylish, the direction more professional, there is a new lead actor. Nevertheless, he finds the play, with its crude humour and nakedly political intent, as hard to endure as before.

  Melanie has kept her part as Gloria, the novice hairdresser. Wearing a pink caftan over gold lamé tights, her face garishly made up, her hair piled in loops on her head, she totters onstage on high heels. The lines she is given are predictable, but she delivers them with deft timing in a whining Kaaps accent. She is altogether more sure of herself than before – in fact, good in the part, positively gifted. Is it possible that in the months he has been away she has grown up, found herself? Whatever does not kill
me makes me stronger. Perhaps the trial was a trial for her too; perhaps she too has suffered, and come through.

  He wishes he could have a sign. If he had a sign he would know what to do. If, for instance, those absurd clothes were to burn off her body in a cold, private flame and she were to stand before him, in a revelation secret to him alone, as naked and as perfect as on that last night in Lucy’s old room.

  The holidaymakers among whom he is seated, ruddy-faced, comfortable in their heavy flesh, are enjoying the play. They have taken to Melanie-Gloria; they titter at the risqué jokes, laugh uproariously when the characters trade slurs and insults.

  Though they are his countrymen, he could not feel more alien among them, more of an impostor. Yet when they laugh at Melanie’s lines he cannot resist a flush of pride. Mine! he would like to say, turning to them, as if she were his daughter.

  Without warning a memory comes back from years ago: of someone he picked up on the N1 outside Trompsburg and gave a ride to, a woman in her twenties travelling alone, a tourist from Germany, sunburnt and dusty. They drove as far as Touws River, checked into a hotel; he fed her, slept with her. He remembers her long, wiry legs; he remembers the softness of her hair, its feather-lightness between his fingers.

  In a sudden and soundless eruption, as if he has fallen into a waking dream, a stream of images pours down, images of women he has known on two continents, some from so far away in time that he barely recognizes them. Like leaves blown on the wind, pell-mell, they pass before him. A fair field full of folk: hundreds of lives all tangled with his. He holds his breath, willing the vision to continue.

  What has happened to them, all those women, all those lives? Are there moments when they too, or some of them, are plunged without warning into the ocean of memory? The German girl: is it possible that at this very instant she is remembering the man who picked her up on the roadside in Africa and spent the night with her?

  Enriched: that was the word the newspapers picked on to jeer at. A stupid word to let slip, under the circumstances, yet now, at this moment, he would stand by it. By Melanie, by the girl in Touws River; by Rosalind, Bev Shaw, Soraya: by each of them he was enriched, and by the others too, even the least of them, even the failures. Like a flower blooming in his breast, his heart floods with thankfulness.

  Where do moments like this come from? Hypnagogic, no doubt; but what does that explain? If he is being led, then what god is doing the leading?

  The play is grinding on. They have come to the point where Melanie gets her broom tangled in the electric cord. A flash of magnesium, and the stage is suddenly plunged into darkness. ‘Jesus Christ, jou dom meid!’ screeches the hairdresser.

  There are twenty rows of seats between himself and Melanie, but he hopes she can at this moment, across space, smell him, smell his thoughts.

  Something raps him lightly on the head, calling him back to the world. A moment later another object flits past and hits the seat in front of him: a spitball of paper the size of a marble. A third hits him in the neck. He is the target, no doubt of that.

  He is supposed to turn and glare. Who did that? he is supposed to bark. Or else stare stiffly ahead, pretending not to notice.

  A fourth pellet strikes his shoulder and bounces into the air. The man in the next seat steals a puzzled glance.

  On stage the action has progressed. Sidney the hairdresser is tearing open the fatal envelope and reading aloud the landlord’s ultimatum. They have until the end of the month to pay the back rent, failing which the Globe will have to close down. ‘What are we going to do?’ laments Miriam the hair-washing woman.

  ‘Sss,’ comes a hiss from behind him, soft enough not to be heard at the front of the house. ‘Sss.’

  He turns, and a pellet catches him on the temple. Standing against the back wall is Ryan, the boyfriend with the ear-ring and goatee. Their eyes meet. ‘Professor Lurie!’ whispers Ryan hoarsely. Outrageous though his behaviour is, he seems quite at ease. There is a little smile on his lips.

  The play goes on, but there is around him now a definite flurry of unrest. ‘Sss,’ hisses Ryan again. ‘Be quiet!’ exclaims the woman two seats away, directing herself at him, though he has uttered not a sound.

  There are five pairs of knees to fight past (‘Excuse me . . . Excuse me’), cross looks, angry murmurings, before he can reach the aisle, find his way out, emerge into the windy, moonless night.

  There is a sound behind him. He turns. The point of a cigarette glows: Ryan has followed him into the parking lot.

  ‘Are you going to explain yourself?’ he snaps. ‘Are you going to explain this childish behaviour?’

  Ryan draws on his cigarette. ‘Only doing you a favour, prof. Didn’t you learn your lesson?’

  ‘What was my lesson?’

  ‘Stay with your own kind.’

  Your own kind: who is this boy to tell him who his kind are? What does he know of the force that drives the utmost strangers into each other’s arms, making them kin, kind, beyond all prudence? Omnis gens quaecumque se in se perficere vult. The seed of generation, driven to perfect itself, driving deep into the woman’s body, driving to bring the future into being. Drive, driven.

  Ryan is speaking. ‘Let her alone, man! Melanie will spit in your eye if she sees you.’ He drops his cigarette, takes a step closer. Under stars so bright one might think them on fire they face each other. ‘Find yourself another life, prof. Believe me.’

  He drives back slowly along the Main Road in Green Point. Spit in your eye: he had not expected that. His hand on the steering wheel is trembling. The shocks of existence: he must learn to take them more lightly.

  The streetwalkers are out in numbers; at a traffic light one of them catches his eye, a tall girl in a minute black leather skirt. Why not, he thinks, on this night of revelations?

  They park in a cul-de-sac on the slopes of Signal Hill. The girl is drunk or perhaps on drugs: he can get nothing coherent out of her. Nonetheless, she does her work on him as well as he could expect. Afterwards she lies with her face in his lap, resting. She is younger than she had seemed under the streetlights, younger even than Melanie. He lays a hand on her head. The trembling has ceased. He feels drowsy, contented; also strangely protective.

  So this is all it takes!, he thinks. How could I ever have forgotten it?

  Not a bad man but not good either. Not cold but not hot, even at his hottest. Not by the measure of Teresa; not even by the measure of Byron. Lacking in fire. Will that be the verdict on him, the verdict of the universe and its all-seeing eye?

  The girl stirs, sits up. ‘Where are you taking me?’ she mumbles.

  ‘I’m taking you back to where I found you.’

  TWENTY-TWO

  HE STAYS IN contact with Lucy by telephone. In their conversations she is at pains to assure him that all is well on the farm, he to give the impression that he does not doubt her. She is hard at work in the flowerbeds, she tells him, where the spring crop is now in bloom. The kennels are reviving. She has two dogs on full board and hopes of more. Petrus is busy with his house, but not too busy to help out. The Shaws are frequent visitors. No, she does not need money.

  But something in Lucy’s tone nags at him. He telephones Bev Shaw. ‘You are the only person I can ask,’ he says. ‘How is Lucy, truthfully?’

  Bev Shaw is guarded. ‘What has she told you?’

  ‘She tells me that everything is fine. But she sounds like a zombie. She sounds as if she is on tranquillizers. Is she?’

  Bev Shaw evades the question. However, she says – and she seems to be picking her words carefully – there have been ‘developments’.

  ‘What developments?’

  ‘I can’t tell you, David. Don’t make me. Lucy will have to tell you herself.’

  He calls Lucy. ‘I must make a trip to Durban,’ he says, lying. ‘There is the possibility of a job. May I stop off for a day or two?’

  ‘Has Bev been speaking to you?’

  ‘Bev has nothing to do with
it. May I come?’

  He flies to Port Elizabeth and hires a car. Two hours later he turns off the road on to the track that leads to the farm, Lucy’s farm, Lucy’s patch of earth.

  Is it his earth too? It does not feel like his earth. Despite the time he has spent here, it feels like a foreign land.

  There have been changes. A wire fence, not particularly skilfully erected, now marks the boundary between Lucy’s property and Petrus’s. On Petrus’s side graze a pair of scrawny heifers. Petrus’s house has become a reality. Grey and featureless, it stands on an eminence east of the old farmhouse; in the mornings, he guesses, it must cast a long shadow.

  Lucy opens the door wearing a shapeless smock that might as well be a nightdress. Her old air of brisk good health is gone. Her complexion is pasty, she has not washed her hair. Without warmth she returns his embrace. ‘Come in,’ she says. ‘I was just making tea.’

  They sit together at the kitchen table. She pours tea, passes him a packet of ginger snaps. ‘Tell me about the Durban offer,’ she says.

  ‘That can wait. I am here, Lucy, because I am concerned about you. Are you all right?’

  ‘I’m pregnant.’

  ‘You are what?’

  ‘I’m pregnant.’

  ‘From whom? From that day?’

  ‘From that day.’

  ‘I don’t understand. I thought you took care of it, you and your GP.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What do you mean, no? You mean you didn’t take care of it?’

  ‘I have taken care. I have taken every reasonable care short of what you are hinting at. But I am not having an abortion. That is something I am not prepared to go through with again.’

  ‘I didn’t know you felt that way. You never told me you did not believe in abortion. Why should there be a question of abortion anyway? I thought you took Ovral.’